Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Taking it out of the elevator- into the parking lot...

Good Evening Again All,
This my friends is a double header evening. I know so many of you are anxiously awaiting more news of our favorite maybe married elevator rider. Well imagine my surprise when during the work day an email popped up with a picture attached of a beautiful mountain and a note saying "I took this while in NH this weekend see what you're missing out on" I think my invite to that trip was lost, assuming Mrs elevator probably wouldn't have been keen on me going.

I wrote back and asked who he went with, why was here there. The brother, visiting a male friend I was told. Always all about the brother. Seems like a good cover to me. Shortly after this unexpected and unusual daytime email en route to the ladies room I walked past a guy talking to a woman who said hey how are you? Fine I said and continued to the ladies room passing not one but two elevators until a woman put one of those yellow do not enter signs out there.

I thought to myself who was that guy he looks so familiar. Suddenly it dawned on me. Yes, I believe it was THE elevator man. I had passed him with my lobsteresque skin not even realizing it was him. Well i was 99% sure. After taking the elevator to the 3rd floor in search of a usable ladies room I arrived back at floor 5 only to find elevator man right in front of the elevator still talking with the same woman. Wonder if he's told her about the Mrs. Desperate times calls for desperate measures and I had to know if it was him.

I ran over to my co worker and insisted she go out and walk by so she could read his company name badge and make a confirmation. Shortly after she returned with a positive ID

"did you check for a wedding ring?" I asked.

We both forgot...foiled again.

The emailing continued with him telling me he needed to exercise more. It was time to bite the bullet I sent a note saying I walked every day I went into the office, and that he should walk with me sometime.

I'd love too he responded. Notice the use of the word love. Never had I been told someone would "love" to walk around the parking lot of a large corporate building before. So my loyal readers. Mr. elevator and I set a date for a week from Thursday (i know a long time to wait) for the long awaited in person conversation, where yes I will be seeking a creative approach to finding out once and for all, is there a Mrs, and if not why's one listed on his phone directory listing. So many questions, so much possibility for a really warty frog, and then again maybe not?

At this point with everything unwinding with Fratboy1 i just want to know seriously is this dude married or not? I think we all do. The time may be coming. Stay tuned for more elevator gossip....

Are you wearing any underwear? If so why?







Good Evening All,

Beach day has come an gone. Sorry to disappoint but that's not us at the beach it's actually a bunch of random people in the UK who had just won some type of tai kwan do tournament. While I didn't participate in it, or win anything except some really burnt skin, I thought it was representative of some freezing cold water. More on that later...


So Fratboy 1 showed up at my house promptly at the early hour of 9:30 AM and we drove down to meet my sister and company. For EIGHT hours we hung out, listened to music (which other people actually brought not to worry). In fact speaking of the music I can't leave out the part about how we listened to old school 90s salt n' peppa while heading down to the beach in a minivan. Fratboy1 didn't know what he was in for. During beach time there was the requisite slathering of sunscreen, clearly not nearly enough since not one but 45 people in my department said "wow you look like you really got a lot of sun this weekend!" you think?


So after I spent an hour trying to eat a hamburger that seemed like while it would be a delicacy for a canine, I found it to be an atrocity, the day went on. And on we went to the mini golf course. On the way I asked fratboy 1 so what should we wager to wish he replied he had a lot of thoughts but wasn't sure which one to say...I told him how about you make it PG 15 and a half but the wager was never revealed....or was it. You'll just have to keep reading to find out. So I lost. My game was not on I must say so sad but true. As we headed back from a day of lotion rubbing and sun burning I wondered what was ahead. As usual I never could have predicted it.


Two minutes after parting from my sister she calls my cell while fratboy1 and I are riding back to my place, and asks if she's on speakerphone. Why, I ask? And no you're not. We really liked him she said. He had passed the sister approval zone. Few ever do...As we return to my house there's a trailer in my driveway- no I don't live in the Midwest my new roommate, and consequently a new character dentist has come to move in. Not to be confused with oral surgeon, dentist actually does hail from the mid-west or is it just the west. Not sure I think they're both kind of weird. So will you once I continue. Dentist is actually on his way out to grab some food when we arrive so we head in and fratboy1 repeats that he feels so bad about me being all burned. At this point we're alone and I'm curious where things will go. Oh so curious!


"it may sound kinda strange but maybe you'd feel better if you took a cold bath" he said

"are you coming?" I said? He didn't mention leaving and I didn't want to be rude and leaver him out in the hall

"sure he said we can wear our swimsuits"

"ummm ok" I said and hmm I thought. This was not what I expected. Now let me stop here and regroup. I guess I'm just not used to the whole stand up gentleman thing. Not just that- I think I kinda like it. But I just don't really know what to do with it. I figure it's OK we'll still be alone in the tub, hopefully they'll be another kiss in the future. I light a candle grab two bottle of Kahlua pre-mixed mudslides and we slide on in.


"so what was it I lost in the bet earlier? you never mentioned" I tossed out

"PG 15.5 he thought aloud" and then it happened

"well would you take your top off" my top was the sink's new best friend as it got tossed in almost before the end of the sentence. Now we were getting somewhere. Cute guy, topless girl...time to work some magic. Or was it? The chatting continued and while the there was definitely body contact we were still at PG 12. I started to move a little closer and finally it happened. He told me there was something in my eye. Was there? I'm not sure honestly but who cares...


And then he kissed me.

And then we heard my roommate loud and clear 2 feet away making lamb chops. Foiled again.


Outside we went in my beach dress and his swim trunks. We all had dinner together. Shortly after sitting on the couch post dinner I felt that it was a little damp and asked fratboy1 if he was sure he didn't want any pants to change into since it appeared his suit was still a little damp. He politely declined saying that he didn't even feel like his suit was damp.


And then everything turned into a blur as dentist said "hey are you wearing any underwear"?

Fratboy 1 looked at me, i looked back, he looked at the dentist the dentist looked at him, this was one unexpected twist. "yes, actually I am" fratboy1 cautiously offered.


"well that's why your suit is still damp" dentist seemingly rationally explained. Ok so now I'm sitting here in my dress, coincidental the only one in the room (well i wasn't sure and was glad not to know about the dentist) not wearing any underwear (took the wet swimsuit off and hadn't been upstairs yet) yet the male dentist is inquiring about the fratboy1's underwear? I told you the whole West thing just not that normal.


Shortly after when inquiring why I didn't realize I would burn so much, dentist asked me if i smoked a lot of pot"umm no" I said "why?"


"well because that's the only explanation I can think of for how a person wouldn't know they'd burn this much"


I could think of a few others, but I choose to keep quiet. Seriously dentist seems like a nice guy, a little too open with the wacko questions though. In trying to come up with a plan for how to help the sunburn post bath dentist suggested Aloe. This almond scented body velvet cream two bitches at work had given me a few years back (yes I did mean to say bitches that's a story for another time) was bound to do the trick. The dentist said it had healing ingredients in it and then told fratboy1 he needed to rub it all over my body.


Yet, dentist didn't leave the room. So here I am on the love seat with the guy rubbing lotion on my back, my legs and 2 feet away is the dentist chatting us up. It had been 13 hours together now for fratboy1 and I and when dentist finally went upstairs to shower (not sure if underwear was optional for this and I really don't care) fratboy1 said he needed to go home. He wanted to stay he said and offered too if i didn't feel safe with dentist. However, since dentist hadn't inquired about my undergarment status I figured I was safe, and walked outside with him.


A few hugs, and I had a great times later, complete with a peck on the lips fratboy1 was off. He said he would call me later and he did. It was a magically fun and highly entertaining day. The question is when will it repeat. Soon I hope. This non-frog just may not belong on this blog....we'll see if he calls tonight!





Sunday, May 25, 2008

He's back in the game, but is he 2?





Good Afternoon All,
Apologies for not updating my eager readers sooner with the past few days events. The holiday weekend has proved to be profitable however in updates. I know the suspense is killing you all, as it was me- but folks you'll be relieved to know that elevator man has made a return. Shortly before 10 PM (wonder where the Mrs was then) elevator man sent the first email in quite a few days apologizing because he had been so busy at work. His foot is healing nicely, just a minor limp (so much for asking if he wanted to take a walk during the work day with me). Elevator man said he's off to NH this weekend, notice there's no mention if anyone but him going. Probably visiting his in-laws but he left that part out of the story. Anytime he mentions plans it's always "I'm doing this or I'm doing that". Very strange.

And so the story twists on, knowing I've been on a deadline to get some work to an agent he asked how it was going, and said that he was so hopefully I would get positive feedback and he just felt that part of that would include the agent wanting to see more. Does elevator man want to see more? No one can quite figure it out. Through our emailing he told me he feels he's gotten to know me well enough that he can "extrapolate" so many interesting things from the banter we've had going now for a few weeks after the not really illicit but fleeting meeting in the elevator. He's enjoyed our communication, hopes I'm having a relaxing weekend and looks forward to chatting next week?

So it seems that he's acknowledged (and happily so) that we have this kind of budding email pen pal wacko relationship. Still no mention of the Mrs. We continue to ask ourselves if he's trying for an affair why not take the words off the computer and suggest a meeting? If he's not trying for an affair, why the hell is he emailing me so late @ night and where's the Mrs? Finally, if the Mrs. is out of the picture again why are we still emailing? I'll be asking some pretty specific questions in tomorrows reply email so we'll hope to look forward to another piece of the elevator puzzle on Tuesday night.

In other news, it's been quite eventful, and uneventful as FratBoy 1 is concerned. Not to worry I'll decode my own cryptic vernacular. I believe Tuesday morning was where we last left off, with a kiss goodbye he was off to work, and I was back to bed. To my pleasant surprise he called on Wednesday night (didn't even observe that whole 48 hour rule). We chatted for an hour and a half (pretty good for a guy!). Talks of weekend plans surface and he showed an interest in coming to my sisters beach birthday gathering. This surprised me because while it's not like an official family thing (God forbid all of our sanity my parents will not be in attendance) it's still a group thing for my sisters birthday, which isn't personal but seems like more of a we've been dating for a while kind of thing.

Meanwhile everyone tells me I analyze this stuff too much, now on the other hand if I didn't would we even have the stories to tell? Perhaps I could insert some bullets and just put a line by line recap of the events. Somehow I think my analysis breathes a little extra life into the stories, but you be the judge of that. Anyway back from this tangent as we get off the phone he says he'll call the next night, and doesn't and I don't really make much of this because things do come up (elevators included). Friday (a work from home day for me) he calls during the day in the middle of me putting our five crisis including a NASCAR themed project, relocating the landscaper who promised to bring back some change from the cash I wondered if I should have given him (he brought back merely $1.23) and figuring out a place to take my conference calls while not in the way of the two cleaning woman who unfortunately didn't have time to fold my towels.

In any event I had to call back Fratboy1 and we chatted more both before and after going out. A lot of phone time here which like I said before was very impressive. When the subject of my sisters beach party came up he pretty much committed to coming and then asked if I'd be up for a Sat lunch. So far things were sounding good, we decided since it would be a nice day we'd pick up some food and eat outside. Fratboy1 was prompt in his arrival and we headed to a local restaurant where he picked up the tab for the lunch. After finding a nice gazebo in town to sit and eat at we settled in where he asked about my favorite movies, and what the pinnacle of life would be for me. Career- check, Friends- check, Family- don't get me started (cept sis and Grandma) House- check, Crazy kitty- check, Car is working order -Check (while knocking on wood). Only thing I'm missing is the guy and kids to complete the perfect suburban picture. yes folks I've even got the white picket fence already!

To the playground we went after lunching, and we were swingers for almost 45 minutes though no one else was involved. I forgot how nice it was to rock back and forth in that care free like a kid breeze where the day seems like it's never going to end. More talk about families, having kids, relationships, the end of his, mine, etc but no real physical contact. Now here's where i get confused and perhaps from all of the interactions previously with so many frogs. I'm thinking ok we pretty hardcore hooked up the other night, you slept at my house but not even a kiss? Now it's not bothering me in the I want to make out in the playground in front of other peoples kids way, more like is he or is he not interested?

So we continue on by this lake, which seriously looks like the image below. Laying close to each other on this slab of concrete when I muttered aloud how nice it would be if we had pillows. He returned with two sweatshirts, one which he gallantly rolled into a ball and placed under my head. It wasn't ten minutes later that I scared him half to death, with a look he described as thinking meant a seizure was coming on. Slowly I had felt it slipping when I turned my head towards him as he spoke, yes the sweatshirt had made it's way inadvertently into the muck beneath us. No problem he said and he dove down and retrieved it (shockingly a dry cleaning bill has not made its way to my door yet).

Starbucks was suggested and on we went where a very confused looking newbie asked several times how to make the drinks we ordered, and had a genuine confusion over what a magic bar was. In preparation for a party I was hosting later that evening I mentioned the need to food shop and he said he would come along. So now things are totally backwards in my mind. Right before we enter the supermarket there's this little dispenser with wipes that remind me of what you use for dirty baby butt. I was taking a call at this time (I know poor cell phone etiquette, but someone needed directions for later and I asked!) he took out a few of those wet wipes and started dabbing and my hands, and then dare I saw a little dab traveled down into the cleavage. So, that definitely a sign of flirtation- could there be possibilities, and if so of what? Over in the cracker aisle as I searched diligently for graham crackers, he got a call from Frat Boy 2. He had just brought his baby home from the hospital, and wanted Frat boy 1 to come see it. Awkward --- um yea, for him? Not sure didn't seem to be but he certainly didn't volunteer who he was shopping for graham crackers with. After the call a few playful grabs of the pony tail and a few hugs later we parted ways. He told me to call him and let him know how the party was.

He called me back that night around midnight and I still had some company so he said he's talk to me later. By later I assumed that meant today but since I can't seem to read guy talk at all it turned out it meant almost 2 AM. More chatting about bad dates this time. I told him about oral surgeon and he introduced me to stalker. A girl he'd gone out with twice who called one day to ask if he missed her (a week into their budding relationship) and when he said ummm I guess so trying to be the nice guy that he is she said "great look outside". He called fratboy 2 and asked him to come to his house for protection and he nicely tried to escort stalker back to her car while she threw a tantrum followed up by enough text messages that he also had to disconnect that service for a while.

"call me tomorrow when you're done with all your stuff so we can plan for the beach" he said. And so that's what I will do this evening. So I'm not really sure where we're at, if we're at anywhere and what the deal is. But then again whoever really is? So far a good group of those who got the verbal version think it's a good sign that we seem to be going backwards and not a big deal he didn't try to kiss me yesterday. My sister said today as we were getting off the phone that I shouldn't resign myself to thinking he's not interested if he doesn't make out with me on the beach. Don't you love it when people read your mind so well. Onward and outward to enjoy this beautiful day, but not to worry new tales will be posted tomorrow evening, after the beach day!

P.S. Almost MBA and I had our first phone chat today. More on that later...

Until tomorrow folks- enjoy the sunshine!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dinner and an extra Spoon, hold the music

***Warning may contain explicit scenes
Good Evening All,

Judging from the warning you're in for a treat because I have a story to tell....so last night was the planned dinner with Frat Boy 1. We met at an Asian place and were graced by the presence of our waitress "Fun". I know I usually don't use real names here but how could I leave her out of it. Fun suggested I get a martini, and Frat Boy 1 settled in with some vodka and tonic. I knew he wasn't messing around. I didn't know whether we would be though. Dinner conversation flowed well, the drinks kept flowing and we were having a great time. Fun kept us highly entertained and engaged and when the check came I offered to pay, not of course wanting to seem selfish as oral surgeon had pronounced me. He declined and said that I could pay for the ice cream we were planning to get if it made me feel better. So far I have not received any word asking me for his half of the money back. However, the situation differs a little here. More on that in a bit.


We traveled back to the next town (where I live) and he graciously offered to drive us to the ice cream place. Perhaps he was alarmed watching me drive over. We settled back into his car with our ice cream and he remarked that he wished we could watch the sunset. Hmmm I thought that's pretty different but OK. The ice cream started melting but the desire to continue to hang out wasn't so when Frat Boy 1 asked what we were going to do next since he wasn't ready to go home I was at a loss. "It's 9:30 PM on a Monday night in the suburbs" I told him. "Nothing will be open. I guess we can go back to my house, though the cleaning woman hasn't come this week and sit in my living room" Word for word folks this is what I said.

I did have mixed feelings about inviting him over as I wasn't sure if it implied anything. Granted I hadn't yet figured out if I wanted to imply anything. We were having a really good time. He wasn't wearing a long coat, no major incidents had happened. Back at my place I gave the tour of just the main floor, and he spent a decent amount of time bonding with my cat, running around the house getting her to chase a stuffed banana. I'll pause here to give people time to snicker....

As the night grew on, and a bottle of wine got polished off he asked if I had any music. Here's where the problems started. I don't. I know this sounds really strange but other then playing the piano books, and the radio in my car I was at a loss. Not wanting to see incredibly odd I told him to hang out and I would be right back. I ran up to my room and started fishing for anything. This is when I came across them- the two CD's I apparently owned. Volumes 1 & 2 of Broadways hits. If this wasn't bad enough I swear I don't even own a CD player. Outside of the car those who know me know that I do not listen to music. I'm too busy with the phone attached to my ear. No problem I thought. I know my company laptop has the ability to play CD's. I brought in down and explained the limited choices while pressing countless buttons trying to figure out how to get a CD into the laptop. It was at that moment I came across a Josh Groban CD, already loaded in. That was fine he said probably scouring the room looking for the nearest exit. Now my friend who already heard this story earlier, told me she absolutely couldn't believe that Josh Groban didn't instantly make him run, no matter how good my jeans looked on that night. Josh she told me was the kind of music that made guys fall soft, with a quickness. It was all that I had! P.S. based on this incident she's promised me a mixed CD of music that will keep the spirit/ other things up!

"Usually if I want to hear songs I just play them" I explained mortified.

"Play me a song then"

"It's still going to be Broadway" As the sounds of Phantom's "Think of Me" filled the air so did the sexual tension, and upon my last crescendo frat boy one leaned in for the kiss. Ok so maybe I figured that night could be heading this way. It wasn't like we hadn't hooked up before, but I really hadn't an idea what his motivation was in asking me to dinner. Now I did. Quickly the piano bench turned into the couch, which lead to the guest room. My bed wasn't made, and I figured it's safer not to go upstairs.

Earlier in the conversation Frat boy 1 brought up Frat boy 2 (this was awkward). Apparently frat boy 2's wife was having a baby as we were hanging out. All I could think was hmmm I hope you don't remember the entire year he and I were fooling around. Frat Boy 1 also told me that since his divorce he had been having trouble sleeping. Stuff was always in his mind, he just couldn't seem to get his mind to relax.

I imagined back in the guest room it was nearing 3 AM and although I was enjoying the moment, I was so wiped out that relaxing AKA sleep was first on my mind. I needed a plan to not let things get too out of control, and settle down frat boy 1 enough so he didn't ask for his dinner money back the next day ;-) Seriously though I must say that this wasn't a sacrifice on my part, what I had remembered from the bathroom scene years ago was accurate in that Frat boy 1 was some feisty fun!

I actually had asked him earlier if he remembered the first time we kissed, and he said "absolutely, you mean in the bathroom?"

"yea I had never seen someone so turned on by me taking Advil before:

"trust me it wasn't the Advil, it was the skirt" Guess I had forgotten that part. He hadn't.

Silently praising myself for choosing (just in case of course) a matching set under the jeans that elicited more then a few compliments and the token red top, I decided to take get things moving. If I was going to get to sleep I needed to blow his mind, and do it quickly. Figure it out...Well it turns out frat boy 1 was a bit of a screamer. Actually not just a bit, like seriously either he hadn't experienced anything like this in a while, or I was really that good. I know the latter is true so I prefer to think it's a combination of both. With enough of my clothes still on to be better safe then sorry, this fun night in my mind was coming to an end.

But it wasn't. Frat boy 1 who said he was still shaking settled in to the bed and asked if I minded if he slept with his shirt off? Wait a minute I thought. What part of me going to sleep involved you sleeping too? Here, no less? Apparently frat boy 1 was spending the night. The kitty seemed fine with this as she gave up her confusion on why we were in the guest room and settle in between us. He didn't seem to mind. Now in between us is a relative term because there wasn't much room there. See frat boy 1 had pulled me into an embrace that you see on the cover of romance novels. I wasn't prepared here for the whole cuddling thing.

Several times during the night as I lay awake thinking, I can't sleep like this it's hot as hell I moved a little stirring frat boy 1 and he just reeled me in closer. When we awoke to the sound of his cell phone alarm the next morning, he began to run his fingers through my hair as we had somehow settle in a comfortable spoon position. This was unprecedented. It was the kind of affection you expect from more of a 6 month plus relationship. Now another interesting thing was that frat boy 1 didn't try and hook up again in the AM- very interesting. Only having slept an hour myself I told him that I wasn't going into work as there was no way I could get in the car and drive with no sleep. He apologized a lot but I didn't care- I didn't take off from work a lot.

As frat boy one reeled me in again to one of his uber cuddly positions he told me he had just had the strangest dream...


"We were at your parents house" ok stop right here. First of all bringing up my parents when we're in bed is NOT sexy, it's not sane, it's just not OK, I tried to push the thoughts aside as I listened.

"we were dressed like this" also clearly not a normal situation.


"you had two evil older brothers (I have none) and we were in their house and before they came back in the room I wanted to get my pants on( smart idea) but when I looked to grab them there was a snake in them (haha). I kept asking your brothers to help catch the snake so it didn't get into the rest of your parents house but no one would help me. isn't that strange I feel like I'm going to be talking to them one day and be like where's the snake?"


Hmm first of all why would he be talking to my parents? This went along with the whole 6 months plus seriously relationship cuddle fest he had invited me into. I wasn't sure what to make of it all. I'm still not. As he gathered his stuff and headed home to change so he didn't go to work in the same clothes he had been in the day before (head would turn) he gave me a few I'm off to work but will see you later kisses, asked for my cell phone number and said he would talk to me later.
Will he? I suppose we'll have to wait and see. What do you think? In frog world over here I'm not sure if he'll really call, though I wouldn't be averse at all to playing him my new CD when I get it....a good time was had by all!
For those of you wondering if elevator man has revealed the Mrs. yet, still no mention. I got another email yesterday filled with details of his weekend, none of which mentioned her. More questions were asked and since I didn't make it into the office I couldn't suggest a meeting AKA follow up check for the wedding band. I got an email from almost MBA apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and asking if I wanted to talk on the phone sometime. Still emailing lawyer who STILL hasn't asked to meet. Very strange, but my new game will be to make the frogs jump onto my Lilly pad. No more jumping forward first. Makes for much more of an unpredictable game.


And now due to my extreme lack of sleep last night/ this morning I'm signing off so I can enter a new day in the pond refreshed and ready to greet whatever frogs are in the mood to say "rrribit"!












Sunday, May 18, 2008

Devil in and out of a Blue Dress

Warning: Imagery is racy

Good Evening All,
It's been both an uneventful and eventful weekend in terms of the frogs. Elevator man hasn't made an appearance in my inbox since Thursday evening. The fact he's not emailing on the weekend gives bonus points to the theory that he and the Mrs. are still happily or unhappily cohabiting. The last email as the priors asked a few questions therefore presumably looking for future communication. We'll have to wait and see if tomorrow brings about a new inquiry. One would think if we recap weekend plans the Mrs. would deserve a mention somewhere....

In speaking of frogs and the unassuming, evil, and otherwise princesses, I received an email this weekend from a previous frog, Frat Boy1. I figured I had better label in numerical fashion since there's more then one that could have the chance of resurfacing. Frat boy 1 and I went to college together and had reconnected on one of those controversial, but ever popular social networking sites that allow those of us who are interested to find out who got preggy before tying the knot, who seemed to be straight in high school, and now isn't, and who is divorced but hasn't taken their exes lovey dovey comments off of their page. You'd be surprised the latter category covers more then a few, and those are just the ones I know personally.

I digress...in any event Frat Boy 1 and I became "friends" on the site and traded a few of the perfunctory hey how have you been emails. I suppose I had been the last one to send one about two months ago, and had since forgotten about the communication. This weekend I was greeted by a message apologizing for being out of touch, as Frat Boy had been on a trip out West and been very busy deciding to sell the house he had. Now, a few months back I ran into Frat Boy unnumbered until he's worth adding to the story again, and he told me Frat Boy 1 and his wife were getting divorced. I assume the house sell is a part of the equation. Anyway frat boy 1 thought it would be nice to meet and catch up on things this week.

Catch up on things? Where do we even begin. It was late one night at the ghetto apartment Frat Boy 1, and his roommates shared and a party was in full swing. I clearly remember some altercation between a bunch of guys, and a Christmas tree. The tree didn't win. "special punch" consisting of a bunch of alcohols no one ever knew the identity of and something purple was being heartily consumed out of those red plastic cups. It was hard for me to feel and wild and carefree as my fellow Greek friends and enemies harboring a horrible toothache. I searched the masses for Frat Boy 1's other roommates, both who I was friendlier with then him. In the interest of full disclosure, his other roommate we'll call him Frat Boy 2 and I had hooked up for months. Frat Boy 2 had a serious girlfriend but we had a serious attraction. I also had a serious commitment phobia and preferred guys with girlfriends because I figured they wouldn't want to date me. It was college after all, and girls just want to have fun. Frat Boys 1 & 2 were best friends, as were their girlfriends. Frat Boy 1's girlfriend though was a screamer, not during sex (well actually I can't claim to know this, and for that I'm glad) but during parties, non parties, just during life.

This un-princess was crazy. They called her psycho un-princess (insert her real name if I could). Not sure if she knew I was hooking up with frat boy 1's gf (her friend) but she definitely did not care for me. Her boyfriend, Frat Boy 1 was the one I found desperate for some relief from the pain I was in. I accosted him in the hallway and told him I needed Advil. No problem he told me. I didn't know him that well but appreciated how sympathetic he was. I followed him up the stairs past a group of Greeks getting high, some passed out freshman, and some type of game I couldn't even begin to describe on here. Into the bathroom we went where he extracted from the medicine cabinet- Advil my savior. He offered some water in a small bathroom cup and as I swallowed the pills he gave me this look. It wasn't a look I was unfamiliar with, just a moment I was unfamiliar with getting the look during. Frat Boy 1 looked enraptured. Never had I known that swallowing Advil was so sexy. The second pill went down, and so did his tongue. Right down my neck, and then into my mouth. Pressed up against the bathroom door frat boy 1 and I were making out in a frenzy. My toothache was soon forgotten.

Before things got completely out of control, there was a knock at the door, the punch wasn't agreeing with someone and they needed to be in there more then we did. Without another word Frat Boy 1 descended the stairs and I lingered as far as I could from the pot smokers. After a few minutes I reapplied some lip gloss, straightened my hair and headed downstairs right into the line of site of Psycho un-princess. Luckily she hadn't caught wind of the bathroom fiasco and I escaped unscathed.

A few months later I was out for the night at a club with a few of my friends and enemies ***note in a sorority this roster changes by the hour. That night I was decked out in an electric blue dress. I remember everything about this dress with such a fondness except where it is right now. I wish I could find it again. A halter, mini dress it hugged every single curve with precision. That dress passed no guys head unturned. It was after a few lemondrops, some Malibu Sea Breezes, OK a few more lemon drops that I came across Frat Boy 1. "Do you want to take a walk and get some air he said?"
Sounded like a plan to me. I needed to clear my head and escape from the nasty men who thought the proper way to introduce themselves to me was to grind their crotch into me from behind hoping I couldn't figure out how to maneuver and see how unattractive they were. That my friends is precisely why I wear high heels. That same crotch creeping up behind me is never without a spike heel stuck in like a golf tee on the putting green- with precision and stuck in just far enough to be effective. Unlike most woman I've never had a shoe fetish, but I have to love the heels when I need a close by weapon to fend off unsightly frogs.

Outside the club Frat Boy 1 and I started walking towards the parking garage and he suggested we check out his car. Usually when guys want you to check out your car they're engine is warmed up before they even set in the car, and they are ready to show you their stick shift. Such I thought was the case with Frat boy 1 especially after the Advil/ bathroom passion incident. Now for those of you wondering Frat Boy 1 was definitely attractive, from what I can recall a good kisser, and certainly fun, so yes I decided perhaps I could check out his car. Somehow that car ended up a few blocks down the road in the parking lot of a closed down fast food joint. Definite step up from the apartment bathroom trust me. As we got out of the car and pressed back up against a tree started a rejoining of the lips. I felt the hands unzipping the blue dress. It never really came fully off, instead Frat Boy 1 said "I just want to stare at you. That's all I want you are just so freaking hot."

Well wasn't this easy for me! It turned out I was more like a model in a still life art class, then a helper in the kitchen. Frat Boy 1 soaked in the blue dress, and the rest of the picture until he soaked a nearby innocent tree. If only all encounters could be this easy? Perhaps frat boy 1 who was still dating psycho un-princess didn't want to cheat that badly. This was fine with me. There was only so much I was willing to do anyway. And so on we went into the night, a smile on his face, my dress zipped back up, his zipper back up, and a smooth reentry back into the club where I told my questioning sorority sisters I had no idea what happened to them. Surely I was looking for them for the past hour to no avail. The incident went off without a hitch, and without the knowledge of that bitch.

Frat Boy 1 and I ran into each other numerous times as the college experience continued and were always friendly, no not that kind of friendly. I had much more an ongoing thing with Frat Boy 2. As the years went by I heard that both frat boy's 1 and 2 had married their college sweethearts. Turns out Frat Boy 1 noticed his wasn't so sweet- hence the impending or perhaps finalized divorce I mentioned earlier. And so a new message from Frat boy 1 inquired whether I was free tomorrow evening for some sushi. In efforts not to disappoint my readers, without the blue dress of course, I intend to embark on a meeting with my old friend Frat boy 1 tomorrow.

As far as I know it's two old friends catching up. I always wondered if Frat Boy 1 remembers things as well as I do. Stay tuned for an update on whose zippers are staying up, and whose aren't....seriously I'm just going into this with no intention of anything happening. After all the days of purple people eater punch are far gone for me, and besides my cleaning woman hasn't cleaned my bathroom in a few weeks ;-)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Elevator Chronicles: What goes up must come down










Good Afternoon All,
An early posting today is due to my multi-tasking during a three hour conference call, which as everything in life appears to me, is too slowly paced. We've had some updates in regard to elevator man. As the plan indicated I sent back a thank you note for his response to my business questions and inquired as to how his weekend was. My strategy here was that he could simply reply that it was good and end the conversation or say something specific that would elicit a continued conversation. I got a few sentence response about a trip to NY and a how was your weekend response. As I responded back about my own conference more questions, and thus an invitation for more conversation ensued. After two emails back and forth delving into which musical instruments we played in elementary school, to him looking up the writer I referenced in my email the conversation via email kept up after I had gotten home from the office. Elevator man began to ask questions about my writing and inquired into the topic matter saying he was cool even if the topic was personal. Smileys were sprinkled into the conversation and it was nearing 9PM.

Now keep in mind other then the perhaps ten minute conversation beginning in the elevator and continuing into the parking lot, I've never seen this person in my life and he's asking about my personal writing, emailing way past standard business hours. At this point knowing that everything in my life is upside down I figured something has to be awry. While waiting to see if this email banter would pass the 9 PM hour I decided to do some detective work and start googling. Google is an amateur detectives best friend. Also a frog meeters best all. Simply type in a name and find out if they are who they say they are. Unfortunately you often find out more than you want to. Google lead me to whitepages.com where I found that elevator man lived a few towns away from our office with Mrs. Elevator Man. Obviously this had to be too good to be true, and so it was.


Why however did his last email sent at 9:30 that night say "Have a great night...had fun chatting with you, and I hope to hear more about your hidden talents! I know you have more too..." I thought back and tried to picture again whether perhaps I had missed the wedding band? Was he trying to hide it?

The plan was going forward to get him to confirm that he did in fact live in the town the exact same name with matching middle initial lived in with his Mrs. The following day that was accomplished. With five lengthy new paragraphs there was still no mention of a wife. My friend and co conspirator in this detective mission came up with three possible options.

1. He's married and doesn't want me to know because he's interested and is trying to get some action on the side.

2. He's married and doesn't care if I know because he's just emailing to be friendly, or because perhaps he's concerned that I have nothing better to do then email him.

3. He's separated or divorced and assumes that since we're 95% sure he wasn't wearing a ring that I assume he's single.

So which one is it? We just had to know. I struggled with trying to phrase questions in a way that would elicit some hints, a mention of the Mrs. When a new email came in last night about an addition he had built on his house, I thought for sure OK why would you build an addition if you weren't preparing for a a new family member? A few paragraphs down however, I was thrown a curve ball when he said something about falling prey to fast food when he often doesn't have anything ready for dinner. So why wouldn't the Mrs. help out with that since he seems to work late so often? A mystery in upon us, and I am determined to figure it out. I asked in my response last night if he ever figured out a plan for dinner- hoping that he'd respond today with I was happy to arrive home and find that my wife had just roasted a chicken.

Maybe this is a lot more then my friends and I are making it into, but think about this. If I had been a guy he probably wouldn't have continued the initial elevator conversation to the point where hands were shaken and names were exchanged. There would have been the requisite nodding of heads and then looking away and both parties would have exited the elevator and gone on their merry ways. Now granted I was the one who followed up this meeting with a legitimate business question, which he answered. However, if I was a guy would the first line of his email to me have been. "I'm glad you found me!"? If I was a guy would he have continued to email me four times that evening, and now daily for the past few days? I think not. I hope not. So what's the deal?

I won't be able to update until this evening because as tradition has dictated in this pattern the newest evasive email won't be sent until the very end of the work day. The last email of the day before he shuts down his computer and goes home to the Mrs. Or does he? This is the burning question.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

FLASHBACK: 8 Ball Corner Knockout

Good Evening All,

Since a tired night home on a Sat. evening (I did get up at 6:30 to attend an ALL day writing conference) doesn't breed the latest and greatest story I've chosen to delve back into the past frogs once again. At the end of my first serious relationship, started in high school I embarked on a new and rather strange journey into the land of dating, really for the first time. The quintessential high school first love was someone I'd known for a while and we kind of fell in, and luckily fell out (alive, more on that perhaps another time) of our 2.5 year drama relationship. Being in college at this point and unlike most (note here for those reading, NOT ALL) of my sorority sisters at the time I wasn't interested in dating the two selected frat whores who everyone routinely dated/ mated with. Mind you, in a sorority dating a non frat boy (and coming in with a HS boyfriend) are major faux pas.

In preparation for the writing conference I had to go through some of my older materials and came across a story that reminded me of why I titled this blog kissedallthefrogs, and not just some. Dating undesirable wackos have turned into somewhat of a niche market for me. So we travel back to where it all began after I bid the initial psycho frog goodbye.

*****************

The first official date I went on was kind of random. A guy that I had taken acting with the semester before, called up out of the blue to chat. I didn’t really think anything of it because all of the class members were required to exchange numbers because we did a lot of class projects outside of class time. Budding Actor was a tall, and handsome guy who appeared to be pretty sweet. During one of the first few days of acting class we were chosen to do kind of an embarrassing exercise together. He had to put his head in my lap, and I had to stroke it as if we were madly in love.

Let me just interject in my own story here for just a few moments and share a few relevant pieces of information about this acting class. The professor- well he was in a class of his own. Most notable for punching an older gentleman in the face after he took his (non assigned but apparently self designated) parking space, and also equally notable for being a little too close with the ladies. The professor himself had once called me into his office to inquire if I had considered adult films (at this point not so much). I can also recall an exercise that only the female members of the class had to participate in involving slithering on the floor like snakes. No doubt this provided Professor perv an excellent view of young coed asses gyrating beneath him. Somehow I'd venture to say this was not his first experience with young coed ass beneath him.

I digress- back to budding actor. He used to talk to me in the class after that initial exercise and we were always friendly, but he knew I was dating someone. I am not really sure what possessed him to call me out of the blue, but he asked if I was free later that evening and abandoning the “rules” I told him I was. He invited me out to play pool with him, and another guy from acting class, as well as his female friend. Sounds normal enough right?

Later that evening I left to meet him at Borders bookstore. He was quite polite as he led me to his car and we began the drive to the pool hall which was located a few towns away. He played this slightly annoying music throughout the drive and it wasn’t until we were almost there that I began to sense he wasn’t as shy as he appeared to be. He told me that his biggest passion was watching pro-wrestling. It was ironic because I thought one of the largest benefits of being single again, was that I could choose a guy who didn’t watch professional wrestling. My exes fascination with it drove me nuts. Why men enjoyed watching other men grab each other in awkward places concerned me.



When we got to the pool hall, he began to quote pro wrestlers as well as talk as if he was one of them. “The Rock says corner pocket. The Rock says I’m going to sink this shot. The Rock says a stellar performance by the budding actor man.” After I got over the nauseating feeling of having to deal with this wrestling fan, I decided I would have to do something to make sure the night wasn’t a total waste. I started a conversation with the girl who his friend had brought, and she turned out to be really nice. We ended up talking the whole time and even exchanged phone numbers. It's always a pleasure to have someone else to exchange tired glances with when rolling your eyes.

Unfortunately budding actor and I were left alone when the other girl and her date decided to take off for a party so we played a few more games when I just couldn’t take it anymore. As we were driving back to the bookstore budding actor asked if I wanted to stop at a diner but all I wanted to do was get out of the car before the wrestling quotes started up again. Budding actor certainly didn’t seem like the shy guy I had envisioned him to be in class, or even an inkling of someone who I would have any interest in, even as a friend. The next strike came when he told me he had some pictures and asked if I wanted to see them. Nude- I hoped they were not.

When he took the first one out I was immediately alarmed because he explained that he and his friends had formed their own fight club and these were his pictures of them beating one another up. If that wasn’t odd enough, he actually described in detail along with showing me several of his scars, every injury he had received while participating in this unusually barbaric activity. At this point I wanted any excuse to get out of the car so I told him that I had to use the bathroom and since the bookstore was closed now, I would need to drive home. As he leaned in to kiss me I turned my head with a quickness, and thanked him for calling me, silently praying that he wouldn’t make a habit of it.

As in the law of frogs, he called me the next day and asked me out again but I tried my best to tell him I wasn’t interested. He didn’t take a hint well, probably since one of his friend had bashed him in the head one to many times. He continued to email me for a few weeks until he finally got the message. In his emails, he spelled everything wrong on purpose. They sounded something like “Haylo thees is budding actor juz sayn wuz up gurl.” Finally the emails stopped and he was out of the picture. I heard a few months later that he was arrested and detained for a driving under the influence. And thus my affiliation with the frogs didn't end, it merely began and continues.

**********

In other potential non frog news, I received an email from lawyer today who is on his way to a legal conference. I'm not sure lawyer has enough of the courtroom strong personality as he hasn't mentioned meeting yet. However, in a bold move I emailed a guy I met at work last week in the elevator. I work in an office with over 5000 people so seeing someone I don't know isn't very rare. Random guy and I got into the elevator at the same time and he started making conversation. We continued to chat as we walked outside and I saw no wedding band, and was able to catch his last name on his company badge. Not knowing if I would ever run into him again, I decided to send him a relevant business question that I actually needed an answer to and referenced our meeting earlier in the week. He responded later on that day with his first sentence being "I'm so glad you found me!" and then an answer to my question and an invitation for any future information from his area. So now I'm pondering- is he glad I found him because he's interested, or because he was able to be a professional resource? Any thoughts? The plan is to shoot him a thank you email on Monday and ask how his weekend was- therefore inviting him to say something other then good that might prompt more conversation. To possibly be continued.

Farewell now and thanks to those who are visiting regularly and to those who are commenting. Hope everyone is having an excellent weekend!



Wednesday, May 7, 2008

One man's inappropriate is another girls inappropriate 2-go figure!





Good Evening All,



Thanks to all who have and are in the process of commenting on the posted stories. To all who haven't commented yet- DO IT! It's very helpful to get a feel for what people are most entertained by.



So to answer all your questions when I told my father about the hedonistic guy he was horrified. He didn't even want to hear about it and said I can't believe that guy was such a good speaker, "He's an inappropriate man, very inappropriate" I have to say I did agree with my father here, the whole need for the hedonists posse of girls to want to mate with not just him, but other girls was frankly inappropriate even to me!


For those of you who don't know my father inappropriate is his favorite word. My french maid Halloween costume was inappropriate. Everything I wore from basically age 12 on was inappropriate. Kissing my HS boyfriend on the stairwell was inappropriate, asking to go to the GYN when I was a teen (after reading in Teen magazine that girls should get a check up whether they were sexually active or not) was highly inappropriate, and sex was without a doubt considered "inappropriate unless you're 40 and trying to give us grandchildren". As you can see my father- not the biggest fan of the hedonist. My mother found it to be a funny story and told it to all of her cronies. I guess I followed suit!


Seriously the costume isn't that bad for Halloween? He took that and my Arabian princess/ belly dancer costume and threw them away. Ironically this they gave me $$ for my birthday to start taking belly dancing. Although I can't participate in recital this year, I've seen the costume and it makes the French Maid look pretty damn appropriate. The youngest girl in our class who must be in HS came in with her costume and her mother who was concerned her husband would divorce her if her daughter wore the costume. The pants are completely see through and have slits on both sides so they don't close in the front or back. It's basically like dangling saran wrap from your waist and cutting huge slits in it. Luckily for the woman's marriage the instructor kindly informed her that it's advisable to wear nude colored shorts or a skirt underneath. I guess my father wasn't the only one....



So I just got off the phone tonight with a new guy, lawyer. So far lawyer seems to be reasonably sane, nice, and hasn't asked me for any money yet so he's one up on oral surgeon. Other then asking if his sister was married and hearing she has a girlfriend of 5 years the convo was pretty status quo. Always awkward when you're ending these conversations with people you don't really know because what do you say? So it's been nice talking to you seems to work well. You have my number (maybe you'll use it) I guess we'll see. Perhaps there's a good story waiting to be hatched here. Also received an email from another new guy, almost MBA. He also so far seems to be relatively normal very nice. One might think after the whole oral surgeon fiasco this week I'd be hiding here in the burbs swearing off guys. How can I disappoint my readers though. Must continue on the quest for someone who pays and doesn't try to take it back! When I was talking to my Grandma earlier she was commenting on how nutso the oral surgeon was and she said that she just wished I had a nice boyfriend. I told her hey it's not for lack of trying here, she said I know every night I ask God for a miracle. When the idea of me meeting a nice guy turns into a miracle one has to put in a good word with God for, I really start to wonder....


So until we get either lawyer or almost MBA to almost pay for one of my next meals I've decided to entertain with some past exploits. Prior to the oral surgeon I met another guy, accountant a few months ago. We agreed to meet in Starbucks (he even paid for my tea and didn't try to get it back). On the phone I thought he was a little dull, but he seemed nice enough so I figured let's give him a chance. He was the exact same age, and seemed to have good values. Although we were the same age, I felt like we were in totally different places. Let's explore this deeper.....


He collects comic books, I collect long books with no pictures and lots of words. Ok maybe be not too much of a deal. Let's move on. One thing that makes dating particularly difficult is owning your own home. Guys find it intimidating, they don't understand it, they are intimidated so they don't want to understand it, they get defensive, or in a twist I've never seen they try to relate to it.


Accountant told me that he understood everything I go through in owning my home because he has a 2 room apartment and he's really stressing because he needs an end table. Not to worry his mom found him the perfect couches, and even told him where to put them. It didn't stop there, she showed him how to turn on his lamp, and helped pick it out. Luckily if this wasn't palace enough he has a floor length mirror. These details were repeated over and over again. Now at the risk of sounding snotty (is this risky when you do it often) been there done that. I've moved on to chaise lounges, french doors, and sconces long ago. Yes, I know it's not the size that matters (let's be honest it kinda does but that's another days topic) but it's the hand holding. While my father doesn't think furniture is inappropriate I didn't ask him to take me out and help me pick out and place every piece where it goes. Now even if I did, I wouldn't talk about it SO much. Granted accountants mom was some high end furniture retailer, and perhaps you had to be there but the way he said it in his tinny voice, "so yea I have my couch and it's a brown couch, a really nice couch, a couch you can sit on, and one that is exactly in the place in the room where a couch should be" over and over. Enough already. We all have a place to sit (except for my friend who finds Hawaii to expensive to live in and has invested in a kitchen table but no chairs- from the floor you can't really reach the table).


I found it classic when I was ranting the woe is me homeowner speech about how I had to pay $1100 recently to replace a water tank I didn't even know I had, and he said you know most people just aren't on the same level as us, just don't have the same responsibility we do. I pay my own heating bill. WOW! I wonder if when oral surgeon pays his heating bill if it's a sunny day and he doesn't need heat, he asks for the money back?


OK back to accountant- he had been studying hard for some his CPA exam and had told me several times on the phone that he wasn't in tune with what was going on in the world, and was afraid he wasn't in tune with a lot of popular culture. No problem- did two thesis back in the day so I get that whole busy thing. You wouldn't have known it though when he began his agenda. Accountant barely let me complain about my water heater, or even say nice to meet you because he had a list of topics he was getting through and nothing was getting in the way. This included but wasn't limited to: the presidential election, NCAA tournament, the way his mother decorates (wait did I already mention that?) the Ozone layer, World peace, religion, the death penalty, abortion, how his mother makes chicken soup, and the history of him drinking coffee. I swear I'm leaving some stuff out here. This dude stuck to his agenda like an SAT proctor. No room for deviation or free form conversation. I was surprised he didn't hand me a number two pencil at the end and quiz me!



Accountant's final strike came the 80th time he was describing how nice his place was and his wonderful couch which was not really brown and not so much gray, and had a undertone of green, yet more of a blueish hue. See the benefit to this couch and having his own place (after having lived at home with guess who until just about 2 years ago) was it was awkward to bring a girl home to Mom's house. He just loved having a place of his own. Who doesn't. I found in a little off color the first time he mentioned that dorming was difficult because if you were seeing someone how could you bring them back to your room? Now I never dormed but I definitely made it back to a room or two (for chatting of course) and never once did the fact someone else was in the room pose any sort of concern. However, not the topic you bring up on the first date. Then when he brought it up again in terms of struggling with living at home and how it's hard when dating someone it started getting even odder. Who seeks out sympathy on a first date because while they were 26 and living at home it was uncomfortable for them to bring a girl back to their parents house?

OK Ok so I know it's not as funny as the whole this is a hold up give me $30 NOW thing, but give me a chance....there's plenty more where this came from. Must rest up now for tomorrow is another day with perhaps another maniac waiting to be referenced here for your reading pleasure!



Monday, May 5, 2008

FLASHBACK: My mother tried to set me up with a hedonist



Good Evening All,

In all my excitment of beginning this blog I realize luckily not too late that I had previously selected a website that wasn't exactly that user friendly. To amend this to my readers I've decided to share a flashback with all of you that I'm sure will amuse and horrify. Please don't forget to leave comments by clicking on the field right at the end of each post next to the time it was posted!

Sometime last year, see if you can follow- my mothers old best guy friends, bandmate had this son who was about 30 and had just returned from playing Baseball in Israel. I know- Israel has a baseball team? Trust me this sounded strange to me as well. In any event anyone who has ever encountered my mother, through a story or in person know that she's incredibly pushy and most often lacks any type of social tact whatsoever. Her and my father were inviting this baseball player who is also a professionally ranked eater (specializing in foods such as pizza, ice cream, and the ever so popular matza balls) to sign autographs at this cultural fair they were putting on. I told them I wasn't interested in any set up they had going on, and was actually seeing someone else at the time. However, they weren't privvy to this (after this story you'll realize why I don't tell them anything about my personal life).

I showed up at the fair to do my obligatory meeting and greeting. During the baseball players (who also was a lawyer and real estate broker) talk he was actually relatively funny and tall (with a full head of hair). My sister kept teasing that I should go talk to him but since this was again someone my mother was assciated with I didn't have an interest. Of course, as pushy as she is don't you know that she managed to introduce us, and even have me get a baseball autographed (I hear baseballs signed by Israeli players are going on EBAY for at least a 50 cent premium). Shortly after his formal talk we were chatting when a very nice developmentally delayed gentleman from the community came over. It turned out he knew baseball player from his hometown in NY, and asked him for a ride.

The baseball player had taken the train up and didn't have a car with him but his mother who had come along did. I thought it was nice that he offered this gentleman a ride, until he asked if I would mind riding along because he didn't know CT that well. In an attempt to do a good deed and get this developmentally delayed man home, I agreed to leave my car behind and ride five minutes down the road with him.

Before I continue let me introduce the fact that somewhere during the festival it was brought to my attention by my mothers friend that this guy had just broken up with his girlfriend that day. Now if my mother was trying to hook me up with him beginning a few weeks ago- does this really make sense? You'll find that not much involving my mother does. Read on.

Back to the car, we managed to get to this gentlemans home and then the Baseball player asked if I was going to go to dinner with our mothers, their friend, and some others. Being that I was now stranded in his car I said ok. In trying to be polite I mentioned that I was sorry to hear about him and his girlfriend. He began to tell me a little bit and at a point in conversation where it made sense I asked how they met.

"Oh actually she was the girl who my ex before her and I had a threesome with!"

Imagine my surprise and horror upon hearing this. I truly was at a loss for words which does NOT happen often. After mumbling something under my breath that may have sounded similar to "get me the hell out of here" He continued on -

"Are you bisexual?"

"umm HELL NO" I said to be met with "but why not, don't knock it until you try it. Have you ever heard of the concept of hedonism?

I've been in the car at this point with this guy about 5 minutes alone during which he's taken three calls from unidentified females (probabaly part of his lesbian posse). All I wanted was to get the hell out of there and get back to my car.

"You see I'm a pleasure seeker. I love woman, so the woman I love to be with need to also love to be with woman" he said.

"Well, I love men, do you love men?" I retorted

"No that's not pleasureable" he said while looking confused, obviously not picking up on the intended irony in my message to him. I guess that whole law degree wasn't working wonders for his analytical thinking.

"So are you saying you'd never be interested in a threesome?"

"Turn left here, quick!" As we got out of the car I played in my mind what was going to unfold when I had the delight later on on informing my father that my very mother tried to set me up with a bi-sexual thrill seeking, hedonistic male slut.

After trying so hard to avoid any further conversation with the wacko in front of both of our mothers I managed to choke down some onion soup when he said that he was tired. Great- so was I of this entire experience. I could envision my car like an oasis in the desert. If only I could get there- everything would be all right in the end. Baseball player mid meal decided that he was so tired he would go out to the car without so much as offering even a dime towards the bill (the oral surgeon would NOT_ approve!)

For a professional eater, he was tall but not too big. However at 6'3 you can imagine both mine and the rest of the dining parties surprise when upon leaving the restaurant we found baseball player folded in half literally in the trunk of his mothers station wagon, no doubt dreaming of a few chicks and some hedonistic fun.

Desperate Men cause Desperate Measures



Good Evening All,

In a shocking twist no one could have predicted I recieved a text message from the oral surgeon just an hour ago. Luckily I have not yet began searching mental health professionals in his area, because I'm quite sure that he's going to need a specialist. His text was simple "Did you get my email?".

This signifies several things


  • He clearly still wants to continue some form of communication

  • He really truly believes he is going to get his $30 back

  • He may need the $30 because he never goes to work hence how he has time to text me during the business day

  • Perhaps he researched oral surgery so he could sound knowledgable but actually is posing as an oral surgeon and has recently escaped from a mental institution.

  • His long coat was stolen in NYC and he is taking up a collection he wants to use the $30 for to buy a new one.

Not to worry folks- keeping all these options in mind I took the liberty of calling my cell phone provider and having all text messages blocked. Unfortunately if he continues to send them he won't know he's blocked. I asked the customer service representative if the carrier could text back a simple generic message such as "hey stalker, find a new victim this one is smart enough to use technology against you" but that's not a service they are currently providing. I am sure she took my suggestion to her manager though and this will be availible in select markets any day now.
Since I do have a day job- I need to get back to it but stay tuned for more updates on living single, and living without sanity, and how the two often converge in my life (the latter of course representing the OTHER person).

All's not fair in "friends" and Dining (love & war is just too cliche)



Good Evening All,


So for the past two weeks or so I began talking to a guy I met online on the phone. This guy sounded great on paper. An oral surgeon, owns his own place in NYC, loves witty banter like myself, swears he has a full head of hair. We talk nightly for hours at a time, as I've never met someone who I had to be the one to end calls with. I've reached a historic moment in life when I find someone who wants to talk more then I do. This is serious! We discuss meeting and he says he's willing to make his way out of the city life to travel to the suburbs. He has to cancel our first plan as a result of a cold (he did mention post nasal drip in a sentance more times then those at my grandmas nursing home do). In any event with a open mind I was determined to give this one a chance!


When we talked about rescheduling he was pushy about me changing plans saying that it must be a girl thing to be loyal and keep plans with a friend. He said if a guy had plans with one of his friends and had the chance to meet a girl they wouldn't care if he cancelled. I countered with the fact that I thought my loyalty and commitment to previous plans should bode well in terms of meeting someone with the potential to have a relationship. Most people do like that whole commitment thing- go figure. Anyway I decided the first chance I could meet was this past Thursday. I emailed him the name of the place I selected and we picked a time. Although I had seen his pictures, I feel that unless you see someone in person you really don't know what they look like. I'll save some stories about this for another night, another post. I wasn't really attracted to his pictures but I thought he's not hideous, let me try and be open minded. I even waived my typical over 5'10" rule and agreed to go out with Mr. 5'8".


I got to the restaurant and he sauntered over to me in a long black coat, a tighter then I'd like to see on a dude t-shirt(not that i want to see a chick in a tight shirt either), and jeans holding a glass of ice water (super cool!). The long coat made me think he was in some type of cult or clearly unaware of the fact it was the month of May. Dinner went off without a major hitch outside of me bumping my head on the corner of a room divider when I got up to use the ladies room. I ordered an delicious vegetable napolean appetizer and a side of pasta, too tired to even drink wine. He got a pasta dinner and ordered a side of grilled chicken, and a glass of Pinot. He didn't actually eat the grilled chicken as he said it would make a nice lunch for the following day. Conversation flowed decently and we even shared a delectable tiramisu. I could tell that I wasn't attracted to him but contemplated giving him a second date anyway. When the check came I graciously offered to pay my half, and he declined and I turned my cheek to the side just to make sure there was no mixed signal I was interested in a kiss and parted ways.


I knew my Grandma would be disappointed the next day when I told her I wasn't into the oral surgeon, but little did she and everyone else know, I would soon have much better reason then no physical attraction. The day after the date (Friday, a work day for those of us who work 5 day weeks), the oral surgeon (who worked max 3x a week) calls my cell at 11:22 AM and hangs up without leaving a VM. Not even 8 minutes later he calls back and leaves me a message saying he was surprised I couldn't get his call because he saw that I was online (that music on the Lifetime movies where the stalkers lurk outside the middle school softball fields comes to mind). When I go to my computer I see that he's tried to IM me. Now I had told him the previous day my weekend was busy and I also was in a hectic period at work. As the day went on I had plans and never had the chance nor desire to call him back. The next day after I returned home from visiting a friend midafternoon I refreshed my email and in a twist even I couldn't predict here's what I saw....



Hi,OK, so apparently you do not want anything romantic with me. That's fine. However, I feel that since we went out to dinner as "just friends," it would be nice if you paid for your dinner (and lunch the next day). If you knew you didn't want anything further with me, you should have insisted on paying your share of the bill and not let me pay for you. When you offered, I thought you were just making the "obligatory gesture" so I wouldn't think you were selfish. You took advantage of the fact that I believe in chivalry. The issue is not the amount of money here...it's just that I wouldn't pay for my friend's dinner unless it was their birthday or something special, so why should I pay for you? I did drive up over an hour to CT to meet you. It would just be nice and fair if you paid your share...


The bill including tip came out to $60. Please send me a check for $30. Please send the check to:
Seriously he was stupid enough to put his actual address hereShould be in a loony bin, NY 66666


I know this is a little weird in our "accepted" dating culture, but never-the-less, it does make sense. I did enjoy talking to you and would like to have played some good scrabble :)
Hope all is well,
Oral Surgeon


As I read this I felt my heart racing, not because I was upset just because I was so confused that this dude actually had the gall to write and send this email. Since then I've shared this with the bridal shower, many friends, and my Grandma who was concerned he might sue me and said that he was seriously disturbed. That seems to be the consensus. So my plan here was either to send him monopoly money or an email back with a list of mental health professionals in his area wishing him best of luck in a cure for his personality disorder. Any suggestions?


Keep in mind, what if I had actually liked him and just been really busy during the less then 24 hours I didn't respond to his call. He certainly blew it! In addition, let me point out again that my meal at the most cost $15 bucks so he wasn't just trying to get his fair share, he was actually trying to profit off of me. This is again from an oral SURGEON. And people wonder why I am frustrated when they complain about their husbands. As much as they think they suck, trust me looking for one sucks a LOT more. I look forward to all feedback on any potential email responses I should send this maniac. Just remember this actually happened, and luckily for you....I made it out alive away from the long coat wearing, cheap, mentally psychotic oral surgeon. For your own safety- beware! He's lurking out there trying to find his next victim of dinner date check rape.

There may be a lot of fish in the sea, but most should be floating!



Good Evening All,

I have this pin I got as part of a set for my sisters bachelorette party which says "always a bridesmaid". Coming from another bridal shower today where I yet again played the role of very experienced bridesmaid, I'm beginning to think there's some truth to this. Not that the opportunity hasn't presented itself before. However, at the time it didn't seem opportune at all, rather just plain scary. I guess I needed to be reminded though that there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, rather there's a bunch of guys in really scary masks appearing as if they've just escaped a mental hospital. In fact, I think they may have. Nevertheless after a three year committed relationship, I yet again reentered the scary but true world of dating. Now it's not scary because I'm unsure of what I want, or because I don't know what to expect. Rather, I know what I want, it's still not there, and I know to expect a bunch of crazy stories. However, I had no idea that this batch was about to be the craziest yet.

I said just the other day that although I recently joined a fiction writing group, I have trouble coming up with ideas. This is because my life in reality is so odd at many times it's more interesting then anything I could make up. In fact surprising as it may seem it's really stranger then fiction! Last night before today's bridal shower I found myself having a pre-festivity dinner with the bride to be, her fiance, her parents, uncle, his gf, and a family friend reading aloud an email I had recieved after a first date with one really warty frog. That story will be forthcoming- not to worry. As the table reveled in laughter over yet another one of these incredelous stories, I thought why be selfish and just entertain my immidate friends with these stories. The whole world could laugh at the experiences I suffer through routinely. And so thus is born a blog that will hopefully entertain more then it horrifies, enlighten more then it instills fear, and perhaps one day find me face to face with that prince that seems to be a needle in the haystack that I am endlessly navigating through.